lack of sleep and ambition.

Last night I laid awake in my bed until 5am. I then fell asleep for two hours, only to wake up and see two people leave my room. And then I woke up again at 8am. I went back to sleep...I woke up again at 8:30 after dreaming that my seven year old sister tried to jump off of the roof of some large factory building in Stroudsburg. In the dream, my eighteen year old brother grabbed her before she fell completely. Not to mention the other nightmares I had last night.  I hate sleeping alone. This is just another night for me. I'm still a little shaken up after the dream about my little sister. Sometimes I wonder if I should go see a shrink about all of these nightmares, because I feel as though they are compensating for some terrible event from my childhood that I am suppressing. I have not had a normal night of sleep since I was probably eight years old. I've always slept-walk or had night terrors; save for the nights I sleep in James' bed. I still have nightmares when I'm there too, but when I wake up I am reminded that they're just bad dreams. I wake up crying a lot, with marks on my palms from clenching my fists. I'm starting to sound emo, so I'm going to stop. Look at me whining about not sleeping...I go to Pratt. 

On a lighter note, spring break begins technically tomorrow night. I'm on duty monday night (I am an RA at my school) and so I've just decided not to go home. I have finals to think about it (even though my last two midterms are due tomorrow) and that is the life of an animation major. You are always working. You are always thinking about work. You dream about your work. You live in your work and watch cartoons when you should really be thinking about more adult type things. I dreamt of my senior thesis last year. I decided as soon as I woke up that that would be the short film I would animate for senior thesis. Most likely I'll be doing it in stop motion, because who the fuck cares. Its my thesis. I'm a 2-D traditional animator, I work with pencil on paper and flash. I'm best at stop motion  work, and if I can become great at it, then I will pursue it to the best of my ability. Its a niche market, so there are two options: be a genius and make tons of money, OR, don't do it. 

When I was a child, I used to go to the Banc of America (in the 90's their corporate HQ in midtown was spelled BANC and I used to ask my father about it all the time) with my father who worked in their quality assurance department (i.e. testing the network for bugs and holes). I'd sit at an empty cubicle and read the paper, make magazines, spread sheets, I owned a few dollars of stock. 

When I was ten, I ran and distributed two class room magazines independent of my school. Each bimonthly magazine sold for twenty five cents and I sold yearly subscriptions for a dollar or some type of candy. I paid my employees ten cents a week. Also at that time, I collaborated with a nine year old boy to create a line of homemade perfumes that we sold for a dollar each at recess. I also did custom illustrations for people in my class for up to 5 dollars a drawing depending on the size. 

I used to buy those aliens for twenty five cents at those machines and sell them for 85 cents. I made quite a large profit by branding the aliens, creating a language and a collectors book for them. 

I never needed money in elementary school.

I took a forensic science class one summer because I felt like it. 

I go to art school now. I need a calculator for everything.